did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
