omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
