I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
