well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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