my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
