Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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