hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
