guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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