Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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