my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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