The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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