shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
