i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
