still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom