Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
