Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on