this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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