I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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