Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
