i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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