Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
