Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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