Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
