My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
