That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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