My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
