The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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