Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
