You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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