i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
