Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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