i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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