do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
