this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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