I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
