Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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