So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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