I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
