I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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