Got a toothbrush?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
