ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
