I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
