So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
