do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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