Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
