I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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