I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
