i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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