YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
