dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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