i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
