you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
