I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
