We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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