Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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