I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
