My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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