please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
