I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
